Friends and Beyond

Since When Are You Not Good Enough To Be Happy?

It is well known that women more often that men, get caught up in the pitfall of giving too much, too freely. Unfortunately in the stream of life, it is also well known that the more you give in the more the other takes and this does not help any relationship.

On the other side of the coin if a women does not know how to receive the love she needs, a need to be needed and loved contributes to giving more than the relationship is allowing for growth.  It is extremely important that both people need to accept the responsiblity for any change necessary rather that to be preoccupied with changing the other. 

Most of the time in an unhealthly relationship one of the factors that requires being addressed is blame.  Unhealthy blame focuses on what happened in the past instead of on the future and any change that may be needed. It provides an excuse for not accepting any responsibility for a change in the future that could help the relationship to grow.   A more healthy blame will point out responsibility for change which will uncover truth about both people and how they relate with each other which in turn allows for a clearer road in the future.

If you are in a relationship that is all give and no recieve then it is time to take a step back and re-evaluate what it is that makes you happy and require that your partner become a contributing part of the relationship the two of you are in. Keep in mind that the person who loves less becomes less and by allowing this between the two of you only enables them to continue down that dead end path.  Do not continue to believe that your unending, unconditional love will ever make the situation better.  Learn to expect love back  and require that the person you are involved with behaves in a mutual way. 

Being Your Own Best Friend Is One Of The First Steps To Creating A Solid Relationship With Someone Else

So often, as individuals, we look for our worth and happiness in someone else to complete us.  Unfortunately, in others is not where we will find what we need to be happy and valuable.  It is within ourselves that these are found.  Being your own best friend first and trusting in your ability to be happy, and enjoy time with yourself is what creates a completeness that will carry over to another human being.

Being your own best friend takes more than just a sudden leap of faith to change your life.  It takes a conscious act, a decision to take your life into your own hands.  Change is not something that most people do easily.  It is so much easier to blame others for decisions that we choose not to make regarding our own lives. Struggles almost always come first and there is alot of plugging along that will happen. and miracles do happen to those who are ready.

People very often want to be perfect and become very discouraged when they are not.  Judging yourself by unreachable standards is a way of mistreating yourself.When people say they want to let go what they really need to do is to take hold. Often people are accustomed to waiting for someone else to give a kind or encouraging word.  However, we have so many of those for ourselves that we forget to say, hoping they will come from those around us.  We all get disappointed and neglect to realize that we had them inside all along. And who else should be kinder to you than YOU.

Three Questions That You Can Ask to Improve Your Relationships

For the most part, the questions that a couple tend to ask during the course of the building of their relationship are pretty shallow. When you look at the reason and substance behind some questions, you will notice that they come many times from desperation and not to become more informed of who the person you are dating is, what they stand for and expect from the current relationship. Remember that the type of questions you ask will by the type of answers you get back in return. Here are some great recommendations for learning about the person you care about and even yourself.

"What are my partners' most important emotional needs?"

Consider the needs of the person you are spending time with. Determine whether you are filling those needs and if not ask the question and find out whether you are or not.

"What did we do during the times when were we the closest, that we could do again now?"

Many times as a couple get comfortable in their relationship they discontinue doing the things that brought them together and made them happy in the first place. A little recollection goes a long way. Find out from your partner what it was that the infant relationship possessed that is missing. Ask the question! And start doing those thing again.

"On a scale of one to ten, with one being the lowest and ten being the highest, how am I doing as a partner?"

This is a big one but all too important is the answer in every relationship. How does your partner fell about you and they way you make them feel? There could be some underlying things that can be changed if you knew and understood how they affect your partner and are willing to make those changes.

Every relationship takes maintenance. They do not progress on auto pilot. It's been said that one definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results.

Are you Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

Online dating, as popular as it has turned out to be is not always the right place to search for the right special someone.  I will not say that there have not been some outstanding relationships that have developed as a result of online dating sites, but as a whole it is difficult to get any chemistry other than a woman or man is good looking and looks good on paper. So what does all this mean?

Good looking does not always mean the the individual has a personality that will suit yours.  And sometimes the individual may not be extra ordinarily great looking but the personality is outstanding, emotionally supportive and loving.  Yet you would have passed up an opportunity to meet this person because of their looks.  Only time can level the playing field when it comes to getting to know another person on a more personable level. 

Looking good on paper is another major mistake made by both men and women when it comes to dating and creating a lifetime relationship.  Yes it is important to know what your date or mate does for a living and what the financial issues may be.  But communication can bridge the gap in that foundational conversation and with it comes appreciation, integrity, loyalty, trust and a variety of other extremely important values.  The term married well does not always mean that someone found a loving, caring individual but sometimes is means the spouse has money, or a prestigeous job. Women who resort to this type of relationship disempower themselves and never find their own worth.  Money will never fill your heart only your pockets.  Do not judge a person on the size of a paycheck.  It your special person is warm, encouraging supportive and happens to be blessed financially...that is great! 

Relationships that endure lifetime ups and downs are those that are based on the principles of  love, communication and everything that comes with it will last a lifetime.  Isn't that the kind of relationship that you want?

 

Embrace The Changes You See In Your Family And Friends

The world is ever changing and so are people of all races, colors, ethnic societies and ages.  Sometimes the changes we see and experience happen in our own circle of family and friends.  And unfortunately those can sometimes be the hardest to accept. 

I have experienced this in two ways myself.  The first was directly after my car accident in 2007 when I decided to leave my career of twenty nine years as an optician and being being an entrepreneur, coach and logistics coordinator of sorts for a personal development training company that was instrumental in the changes in my life. My passion was to help others create lives that would make them happy, healthy and financially free.   My friends and family not only did not understand but they did not really support me because of that lack of understanding.  To often people get so stuck with the familiar in in your life and theirs that they can not embrace the fact that with change comes growth. 

Another instances that was close to home was when a good friend of mine decided to not only marry someone that I was unsure of, but gave up all that she knew to move to a diffeent state and start over.  An interesting revelation hit me just recently and one I have known for some time...when people stop being who they pretend to be and start being who they really are, it creates havoc in their circle of family and friends who think they should stay the same.  But the reality is, that when people do make changes in their lives, it is not always to our liking.  However when others express the same opinions about our lives, we tend to feel it is uncalled for and inappropriate.  Wow..

The key to building and supporting healthy friend and family relationships is to embrace the changes that others make in their lives even when we do not agree.  After all, it is their life to live..is it not?  Allow this person to grow as we individually do not know what God has in store for each of us in His master plan.  It is our own personal intentions and requests that set the Universe in motion to create our own dreams and not those dreams of another.   You must trust the Universe. So the phase "Let it go"  is of more importance than we realize especially when faced with a life changing decision that one of our own friends or family members makes.  Get to know them again, embrace the change and watch the magic come to life. 

Four Critters That Eat Away At The Foundation Of Any Relationship

There are a number of couples that go through breakups and wonder just what went wrong. Where did the love they once have begin to crumble leaving a pile of rubble which once was a relationship or a marriage. Maybe they did not realize that they had critters in their foundation and did not see the destruction before it was too late. There are four in particular to be aware of if you feel there is a breakdown in your communication.

It is not the big things that break down a relationship or marriage. These types of problems can actually bring a couple together more than most will expect. But indeed it is true that small problems can create small holes that cause a relationship to have leaks that turn into breakups.

Being too busy is considered a pest to a relationship. Many times a couple will become too involved with other people's problems, children's activities, charities and various events, household ,responsibilities and the world around them in general. These are not bad things but in excess, they are still too many. We take very little time to sit sown, relax, and share some of that time with the ones we care about the most. Our communication begins to breakdown and pretty soon there is no communication at all.

The more common critter that damages a relationship or marriage is known as confusion. Many relationships start out very immature. The couple dates a few times or for a short period of time then jump right into a committed living arrangement or more so marriage before they take the time to get to know each other. Without that growth between the two, the levels of communication never really develop as they should. Then along comes a child that adds to the confusion by adding more responsibility to an already immature relationship.

To add to the critters invading a relationship comes the one of stubbornness. Stubbornness can rear it's head as either subtle or quite obvious. The quiet type of stubborn or subtle stubborn is one that will insist on standing a situation but is unwilling to be very cooperative in a given situation. Whereas the obvious form of stubborn will rise up and challenge without any intention of being the one to give in no matter what. Either form of stubborn is deadly to the foundation and growth of a relationship and could be more so to a marriage.

And last but certainly not least is the critter of insensitivity. After some time has passed there tends to be the attitude that it's not worth the effort to try. The opposite side isone or the other of the couple just doesn't seem to care anymore. Feelings are not taken into consideration and a distance is created between the two. Two separate worlds begin to emerge. Neither sees the hurt that can come from a partner in a relationship that just does not care.

How does a couple that is experiencing these breakdowns in their relationship get rid of the pesky critters? The first and formost thing that needs to happen is to realize and admit that there are problems to address. Then communication needs to be up front and honest. This is when a couple can work together to find solutions to get rid the critters at hand. The most important step to take is to start right now to insure the success of the plan the two have decided upon. Find new ways to rekindle the flame that once burned bright. With a little effort and some perseverence any couple can repair a damaged foundation and build a healthy and happy relationship or marriage.

 

One Way Relationships Do Not Allow For Proper Growth And Rarely Work

As an infant relationship begins to develop there may be a sense of either possessiveness or insecurity that develops. Most of the time it is on the part of the female and one of two things happen. She will either choke him down with demands or cling so tight that he will want some breathing space. In either case ladies, lighten up. Your special someone may turn and walk away for a while. That does not mean that he does not care anymore. For those who believe that their man is a knight in shining armor on a white stead, remember this one thing. If you chase him, chances are his stead is faster than you. So no matter how hard you chase him, you will not catch him unless he wants to be caught. Also keep in mind that if this happens, he may not have as much respect for you and begin to feel caged. It is not advisable for your partner in this budding relationship to feel that they have a need to escape. Mutual respect is essential to a lasting and happy relationship.

On the other hand it is important to understand that men must be required to give.  This requirement for reciprocation is necessary for the man's bond to a woman to form.  When a woman gives too  much, too freely and does not expect much in return..the bond from the male point of view does not form properly.  What does form is not out of respect, emotion or passion and will not allow him to move toward closeness.  A woman who knows her worth and expects love from her man will indeed draw him closer.  Women must take their time with a new relationship and not allow sexual experiences to speed past the developement of trust and respect.   When you find that you are trying to explain to your family and friends why your relationship is so one sided, that is a sure sign that there needs to be a change in th balance.  One way to break the over giving pattern is to gradually do lees and expect more.  If the man does not begin to move closer in the relationship, it is then the woman should take a step back and re-evaluate and maybe even move on.   

It Takes Time To Build A Quality Relationship

Love at first sight is not really love in its truest form.  It is more of an infatuation as a couple moves into the getting to know each other phase of a relationship.  Yes, it is true that there are a few who meet and move directly into a marriage and it works, however this is not the usual case. 

When two people begin to spend time together a funny thing tends to happen along the way.  The real someone that many times hides behind the "putting your best foot forward" will begin to emerge. Somewhere along the line the differences that are not seen in the beginning could lead to a misunderstanding and a fight of some kind.  It is these bumps in the road that help in create the stability that a good relationship is based on. 

Sometimes a breakup happens as well.  It is during this time that a great relationship will emerge or a not so great relationship should remain broken.   This time apart allows you to take a step back and either evaluate or re-evaluate the aspects of the relationship in it's truest form.  It is possible that you have purposely overlooked things that occurred in fear that you would lose the other person when in fact that person is not the right person for you in the first place.  If you are female always remember that a man needs time apart and is unable to maintain the closeness that females do since we are community individuals.  Sometimes this time is misconstrued as there being something wrong when in fact he is just in his cave sorting things out and you need to reconnect with the things that made you happy before you began your relationship.  When he returns to you it will be as it was before the time spent apart. 

You can then resume building a solid and quality relationship which only grows with time.  There is a ton of information available when you find yourself in a situation where you are unsure of the next step.  Use it and apply the principles.  There are several that I have put in the Resources section of this website that are proven and produce results if you are willing to take a step and educate yourself.  Yes, it takes some educating to build anything that will stand a lifetime and is worth the effort and that includes your relationship.

Brand New Relationships Require Mutual Understanding For A Strong Foundation

In every beginning relationship there is a stong desire for a lasting relationship. So many times that fire is extinquished by things like unfulfilled needs. When we understand that the needs of man and woman are different, then we can better learn how to bring them to fullment. In the beginning while you are getting to know each other, there are a few things that each of you should or should not do to establish a good foundation from which to build.

The first thing to keep in mind is that just because you go on a first and maybe even a second date, that does not mean that you are boyfriend and girlfriend. It just means that there is a mutual attraction between the two of you from which you can grow into a relationship. Generally this stage of relationship building is judged on how good and how often there is a sexual encounter between the two. This changes in time because a man's first need is sexual fulfillment and a woman's first need is affection. Although they are not the same, they go together hand in hand. After all, affection is the glue of any relationship. A woman will grow like a flower when her man learns the types of affection she responds too. And in turn this same woman is more likely to fulfill the sexual needs or her man when that need for affection is fulfilled.

The beginning of any relationship is where two people begin to feel an aura of magic. Romantic love is a rare endeavor that will succeed to its fullest when it requires the least amount of effort. Always maintain a certain amount of interests and activities outside your relationship. It will allow both of you to continue to grow individually and as well as a couple. Keep in mind that respect will always precede love. In the beginning if you loose respect, the foundation from which you began to build will begin to crumble and sooner if not later there will be a breakup. It is not difficult to learn the little things that fill the separate needs of the person you are creating a relationship with. Take the time to do so and you will find that individually you are happier as well.

 

 

3 Common Emotional Needs That Create Misunderstanding In Any Relationship

As long as relationships between men and women have been in existence, there is still one well known fact. Most problems in relationships stem from a lack of understanding between the needs of a woman and the needs of a man. And they are not the same but they do compliment each other. There are six combinations of emotional needs that come to play in every relationship.

 

This first and not in this is order is that women need respect but men need appreciation.  For the man, physical expressions of respect for a woman include things like remembering birthdays and anniversaries to flowers and will show her that he has taken into consideration her thoughts and feelings.  When this happens she is more capable of acknowledging the man's behavior and let him know his efforts were not wasted,   he then feels appreciated and that will empower him and give him the motivation to respect her even more.

 

Another place where men and women fall short is that a woman primary need is to be cared for while and man's primary need is to be trusted.  When a man shows interest in a woman's feeling and concerns, she feels cared about.  In turn she returns this fulfillment by trusting her man more and more.  As her trust grows, she is more open which allows for her man to become even more attentive and caring to her.

 

One aspect of emotion that is generally misunderstood and in so many relationships is that women need to be understood but on the same token men need to be accepted.  So often a woman will get involved with a man and hope that she can change or improve him.  It is imperative for a relationship that a woman receives a man with favor and believes he can and will make his own decisions concerning improvements.  When a man feels this kind of acceptance, it is easier for him to listen without judgment and give understanding in the manner that allow her and her feelings to feel heard.

 

There are three other areas in a relationship between men and women that must be considered.  but starting with these three will dramatically help to avoid a troubled or rocky start or improve an already established relationship.  Although these emotions are very different, they go hand in hand to build successful, loving and lasting foundations for any relationship.